He calls this look, "JetBlue Steel."

Shovel manure. 

Work at a balloon store since he’s good at blowing hot air.

Become The Royal Family’s newest member: Drama Queen. 

Become spokesperson for Budweiser as “The Queen of Beers.”

Flight attendant for Desperately Seeking A Reality Show Airlines. 

Contestant on “Dancing With The Nuts.”  

Model for artist seeking a person with a stupid smirk. 

Fry burgers and In & Slide Out 

Become Siegfried and Roy’s new partner and get eaten by the tiger.  

Become one of David Copperfield’s “special female volunteers” and magically disappear.

 ***** 

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Soon to scale a building or slide down a plane and see if I can get a reality show, too. 

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.     

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

My cell phone, during better days.

It was love at first cell.

My new cell phone, fresh out of the box.

Smooth and shiny, with that new phone smell.

So shiny, I didn’t even want to touch it.

“No way, it’ll leave a smudge!”

I took care of my new cell phone like my own baby.

I’d wash my hands before each use.

I’d always hold it firmly so it wouldn’t drop.

I’d gently press the buttons.

I’d put it on vibrate when a date didn’t work out.

Everything was going so wonderful with my cell phone.

Until it happened.

The first drop.

Yikes.

It left a mark.

It was painful to see.

It changed my relationship with the phone.

Things were never the same.

I was still very careful with the phone.

But after a while, I started getting more careless.

Another drop here, another drop there.

Soon, I’d be eating BBQ ribs and take a call without even wiping my hands.

It just got to the point where I didn’t care anymore.

I’d toss it around with the kid down the street.

I’d throw it against the wall when the neighbor was being loud.

I’d be out late at night, seeing other cell phones, while my cell phone was pacing by the front door, wondering where I was.

I wouldn’t take its calls.

I wouldn’t remember anniversaries.

I wouldn’t even put it on vibrate.

There was one last drop.

It was a bad drop.

You could actually see its endoskeleton exposed.

The flip part got loose and I could barely hear anyone.

Or as other people call that, T-Mobile.

It was time to part ways with my cell phone and get a new one.

I decided to pay my respects by giving it a proper burial.

I said, “Cell phone…you were good to me from the very start, and I took you for granted. As a new electronic gadget, you were so exciting to have. But the thrill was gone after about two weeks, when I got a brand new iPod. I just want to say, cell phone…I’m sorry for the way I treated you. And I’ll always love you.”

“Can you hear me now?”

****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Soon to develop a cell phone that drops 99% less by not shaping it like a bar of soap.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.    

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Was just told that "mug" spelled backwards is gum.

It’s come to my attention that Paris Hilton’s a bit confused about the difference between gum and cocaine. 

It is my duty as a good Samaritan to help clear up the matter for this poor victim of a horrible crime she clearly didn’t commit. 

Paris, are you reading this having someone read this for you? 

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GUM AND CRACK 

- Gum is what you often smack in your mouth. 

- Crack is what people need when you try to sing. 

** 

- Gum is what you often spit out after telling a guy, “lay down.” 

- Crack is where you often find a guy 2 minutes later. 

** 

- Gum has a higher IQ than you. 

- Crack has sold more CDs than you. 

** 

- Gum doesn’t grow on trees. 

- Crack isn’t made by folding a dollar bill. 

** 

- Gum lets you blow bubbles. 

- Crack blows your mind. 

- Crack wants to know how much to blow him. 

**** 

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Remember, kids: gum is something you definitely don’t want stuck between your crack. 

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.    

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

"Sorry, not weird enough."

Do you have a “weird” hobby like collecting toe nails?

Or taking a bath in Pepto Bismol?

Or typing in similar keywords - repeatedly - to get to the same 3 or 4 posts on my blog?

A new documentary pilot’s looking for people with “unusual” hobbies.

This is your lucky chance to show the world how completely nuts you are!

Surprise your friends! Shock your own mom!

Not to worry though…the people behind this TV show insist their documentary is “non-exploitive.”

And if you believe that, you’ll also believe that Heidi and Spencer are real.

…As well as Real Housewives, Jon and Kate, The Hills, The Kardashians, and the nut from JetBlue.

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Now with a readership of over 26.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.   

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

- A mime.

“All the good jobs are either taken or gay.”

“A penny saved is a penny that’s never going to be used anyway.”

“Work’s a bitch. Then you get laid off.”

“Take this job and get a reality show out of it.”

“Work hard, play hard, as long as there’s time for Facebook.”

“Do what you love, as long as the cleaning crew’s gone and you have a towel.”

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Frown because your never-ending job search now begins.”

“In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes. Somehow, Bristol Palin’s now on her 16th minute.”

“When you come to a fork in the road, say, ‘Fork it.’”

“When one door closes, another opens. Sadly for most Americans, that door will be McDonalds.”

****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Don’t follow me on Twitter.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.   

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

This is your brain on drugs.

By special guest Paris Hilton. 

10.) The drugs aren’t mine. They’re the black kid’s. Yes, the same one Lindsay Lohan blamed when the drugs weren’t hers, either. 

9.) The drugs aren’t mine. They must belong to another slut. 

8.) The drugs aren’t mine. They must have been planted there by someone who hates me – so it could be anyone. 

7.) The drugs aren’t mine. They’re for anyone forced to see my acting or hear my singing. 

6.) The drugs aren’t mine. The only thing I keep in my purse is penis. 

5.) The drugs aren’t mine. They couldn’t be mine. I’ve been packing for a trip to Chicago, hitting golf balls, taking a nap, cutting my finger on a glass… 

4.) The drugs aren’t mine. I only smoke crack from the French Alps. 

3.) The drugs aren’t mine…I’ve never even smoked Tijuana. 

2.) The drugs aren’t mine. They belong to my imaginary friend, Mr. Sniffleupagus. 

1.) The drugs aren’t mine. I don’t need drugs. I naturally act retarded. 

***** 

This post is purely a parody and written for entertainment purposes only. If you hate the contents of this post, the jokes aren’t mine. 

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.   

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Not a cloud in the sky. Or a bitchy JetBlue flight attendant.

ALL WEATHER JOKES MUST GO!!! DO NOT PAY TIL 2009!!!

It was so hot today…

Lindsay Lohan splashed cold vodka on her face.

That Muslim at Disneyland took off her hijab.

Snooki started her own Hard Lemonade stand.

Dr. Laura tried to chill with Ice Cube.

Lindsay’s mom actually bought a Carvel cake.

That JetBlue flight attendant finally cooled his jets.

Levi Johnston impregnated a girl with frozen sperm.

Lady Gaga finally won Who Wore It Best…by being naked.

I actually saw someone drink water from a drinking fountain.

And finally…

It was so hot today…

I actually bought a milkshake from Millions of Milkshakes.

(Yes, they suck. Finally got around to trying their Oreo shake and it was basically ice water with little oreo crumbs. No flavor really. Wasn’t even creamy. I mean, aren’t milkshakes supposed to be creamy? And the oreo bits were microscopic. I mean, aren’t Oreos supposed to be chunky in milkshakes, so you can actually taste them? I’ll just stick with Oreo shakes from Jack and the Box & Burger King…tastier &  much cheaper! Just goes to show that celebrities like Miley Cyrus and Lindsay Lohan have no taste in milkshakes. No taste, get it? Actually, come to think of it, Lindsay has no taste, period. Plus, M.O.M.’s menu’s not easy to read. It’s hard to explain, you just have to be there…but I certainly wouldn’t recommend it. Anyway, thanks for asking.)

****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Soon to get a new sponsor: Millions of Milkshakes.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Not funny. Hilarious!

I’m pretty good at detecting BS.

…like how I’m still jobless after months of unemployment…

I keep coming across an ad on Craigslist in the TV/video jobs section and just have to laugh.

Basically, this is the ad:

NO EMPLOYEES, JUST STARS!

Looking for fun and flirty female models to work in our online video chat rooms! You must have great energy, be open minded, and love to have fun. No Experience? We’ll train you! Make friends with people from all over the world, while making great money. You’ll be in front of a computer, and chatting with people via web cam. Chat, Flirt, Laugh, Perform, it is all up to you.

Basically, this is the ad:

NO EMPLOYEES, JUST PORN STARS!

Looking for babes to act like whores in our online video chat rooms! You must have a great body, be open minded, and be slutty. No Experience? It’s not hard to act like a whore! Suck guys in from all over the world, while making great money. You’ll be in front of a computer, and chatting with lonely men. Then, you’ll Writhe, Undress, Laugh, Perform…on yourself, it’s all up to you.

Truth in Advertising.

Since I’m still jobless, I’m going in for this job.

Anyone know a good doctor who does sex reassignment?

****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Remember, it’s not the size that counts. Well okay, it is.

Andrew Wisot is an Academy Award-winning, Grammy-winning, Emmy-winning, Pulitzer Prize-winning, MTV VMA-winning, MTV EMA-winning, MTV Movie Award-winning, BET Award-winning, Hot Dog Eating Contest-winning, Teen Choice Award-winning writer who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

I, Lindsay Lohan, hereby acknowledge and accept discharge from UCLA rehab after only 22 days out of the standard 45 days (like, DUH!). I understand I am being released early because doctors concluded that I’ve been “misdiagnosed” and that my psychiatric problems are not nearly as severe as first thought. See?…I am a better “actress” than everyone thought, haha. Additionally, I certify and acknowledge that I’m being discharged early because the staff at UCLA couldn’t stand me either and just don’t want to deal with an overmedicated diva who won’t listen to anyone.

I also acknowledge that I’m getting out early because, as part of the deal, my lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, donated $650,000 to UCLA administration to help see that “the process” moved along quickly. Hopefully, Shawn Chapman Holley acknowledges that she won’t see a dime from me in return, since I’m often broke or blow all the money on important things, like blow.

I understand that as part of the discharge, I’m supposed to get on the next flight out of LA and move to New York, where things will be better for me; since NY has bars and a club scene, too. But hey, at least people in LA will now be safer on the roads. 

Last, I hereby declare and understand that I am not required to appear at today’s formal hearing, since I’ll be passed out.

Now where the f&ck’s my free Carvel?

UNDERSTOOD, ACKNOWLEDGED, AND AGREED.

____________________________   (sign here)

Lindsay Lohan

****

This post is probably true purely a parody and written for entertainment purposes only. In 2012, the world will end. The only things that’ll remain: Lindsay’s retarded tweets and Last Call With Carson Daly.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Mountain Spunk Water

An employee was arrested after allegedly contaminating a female co-worker’s water bottle with his own sperm. 

…Apparently, she got suspicious after he kept passing her in the hallway and going, “Hey, squirt.” 

…The worst part: after drinking the bottle, she went, “Oh, hair gel…” 

…Sadly, cause it’s over 100 degrees this week, the woman said she’d drink the bottled sperm water again. 

…I don’t know what’s worse: getting arrested for this, or everyone knowing now that you’re small enough to fit into a water bottle. 

…You don’t even want to know what he did to her Sloppy Joe. 

…There’s now a movie in the works about the whole thing. It’s going to be called, “Salt.” 

…Ironically, the name of the water bottle he did this in: Arrowhead. 

…This is definitely going to leave a stain on his record. 

…On the bright side, the guy who went down the inflatable chute wants his number.

…At least it finally answers the $64,000 question: yes, she swallows. 

***** 

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Please no unnecessary bodily fluids here. I have a blacklight. 

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com